It’s been a while, I know. I wanted to write here during my 29th year, to find a way to document all the things I wanted to do before I turned 30. Some I did, some I wasn’t able to do, some I realized I didn’t want to do or have a passion for. Things became overwhelming-not in a bad way, but in a way that made me question my posts. I began thinking too much, too in depth, about the right content, the right pictures…and I lost my passion. I thought about blogging, every day in fact, but was too afraid to write without a witty topic, phrase, or recipe. Now, I want it to be simple. I don’t need a label, I don’t need to write for anyone but myself and those I want to share my thoughts with. That being said…
That’s all I hear in my head. It wasn’t turning 30 that did it…it’s the fact that my mind and body have been changing. My biological clock ticks so loudly that at times, it keeps me awake at night. All at once I feel like I’m running out of time to be a Mom, and it scares me. The timing might not be perfect, the circumstances might not be just right, but I want a baby.
Whew. I’ve said it a thousand times over, but to write it? It feels good and powerful all at the same time.
I have a nephew who is about to turn 8. He’s my only nephew, my little guy who I have watched grow up from day one. Ok, so day two…I couldn’t get to the hospital the first day, but I was there within 24 hours of his birth. The love I feel for him surpasses that of any love I’ve ever felt. His hugs are priceless…seeing him and talking to him just further reinforces my feelings, makes me realize just how much I want someone to care for, someone who depends on me. Someone who is my own blood, someone who will come into our lives and complete our family.
My husband and I have been married for almost eleven years now. We were married young, at 19 and 21, for no other reason than love. It was right after September 11th, and I told him I’d rather take the chance of being his widow than to never have the chance to marry him at all. It was a quick decision, but we’d been together for so long that all we needed were the rings and the ceremony to make it official. Kids were something we had discussed, but knew we needed and wanted to wait for. He graduated from college, I graduated from college. He went on a deployment, came home safely, and I wanted to get my Masters degree. There was always something holding us back, always making me say “well, let me graduate first,” or “he has to be completely out of the military first…”
And now it’s time. No more excuses. We have good jobs…we’re up to our eyeballs in student loans, but we’re ok. It’s hard…it’s hard for everyone, I know, but people do it. I know we can do it. Am I completely ready? I’m not sure yet. I know I’ll lose a lot of freedom, I know my life will change. I get that. I understand that…and yeah, I want it.
I talk to a lot of my clients who have had kids, are about to have kids, and some who don’t want kids. I hear so many horrible stories throughout some therapy sessions with them, but I hear a lot of good things too. Some parents tell me how their children have completed their lives, others are scared to death because they don’t know what to do now that they are pregnant. I work with a lot of kids and teenagers as well, and I get to see the good and the bad. All of it combined in a mixed-up jumble just makes me want it more, and makes my clock tick louder.
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something so badly in my life. I just don’t know what I’m/we’re waiting for.